he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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