Your mouth is God's brothel.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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