We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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