Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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