Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
