enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
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My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
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I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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