Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
