I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
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You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
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You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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