Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
