so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
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