I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
