even my farts smell like vagina
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I love having hate sex.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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