its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
