I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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