I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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