gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
