Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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