Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
