I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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