It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I FOUND THE LEGS
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
