I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
