your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Randomize
