he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
