I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
