i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
