Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
