then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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