Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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