So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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