I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
