i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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