either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
