we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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