i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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