if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
