Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
