just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
