Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
