And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
