The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
