So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
