Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
