Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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