worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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