seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
