You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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