I CAN MOONWALK!
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I can't turn off my feet"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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