hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
