i was born a porn star she said
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
