No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
