Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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