these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Can I color on your dick again?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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