the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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