Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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