do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
You smell like stripper and shame
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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