I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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