You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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