no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
