I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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