whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
